Omg, i'm so tired of this. So this guy who i've been sorta kinda bffs with since summer is totally using me for sex. its like he has no respect for me, and if i try to break it off i end up feeling super depressed. He's totally immature sometimes, i still like him and its awful. i HATE it soooo much. I feel like its my fault. Everything is so weird. Okay, yea, so this summer, i was a total virgin, even lip :) but then we'd start to hang out, it had to be secret, of course, because my ma would blow her shit, she's was too overprotective, i'm not even allowed to have guy friends. Anyways, when we were hanging out, he kissed me, and i like freaked out, lol. I thought it felt kinda funny, y'know, just like wet. I got super embarassed and started blushing like, insanely. But he had a girlfriend, and i didnt know what he wanted from me. Eventually my grandma told my ma that i was leaving the house for like hours everyday, and she freaked the fuck out. I got into a shitload of trouble and it sucked ass. Anyways, later when school started, he just acted like nothing happened, we became pretty close friends and everything was fine. Until around homecoming. A friend of mine told me that i had to tell him i liked him, which was completely embarassing. So i did, and he thought i was just messing around and not being serious, which made me feel awful so i didnt talk to him. Now around that time, we always ALWAYS had "tiny" meaningless arguements about random shit and we ended up not talking to each other for days, until someone apologized, usually me. So i wasnt talking to him and he didnt know why, which was stupid because it was his fault. haha, this feels like so long ago, its taking forever to remember. So when we made up, i told him i was pissed that he thought i was just messing around, even tho i clearly wasnt. He told me he liked me back, so i was like, allright :) But later he said we shouldnt date and just be friends, and i guess i understood, it might ruin our friendship, i liked our friendship. It was nice, but then a few days later, i was with a friend at school, we were about to walk home, when he biked by us. My friend started being an idiot and staring at me, pointing him out, like i didnt notice. He conviced my friend to go home, so he could talk to me alone, we walked behind one of the school buildings, and he kissed me. It was short, and nice, i liked it, but of course, i started to blush, its like a natural reaction. He asked if i liked it, and i guess i nodded, so he did it again, or tried, i, being unbelievably flustered, tried turning my head away. But he moved it back and kissed me again, it felt nice. By the time i got home, i had to walk by myself, i was so confused, he said we should just be friends, right? what happened to that? I asked him later, and he said friends with benefits. i HATE friends with benefits. A few weeks after homecoming. he came over to my house when my ma wasnt home, of course, with my luck, my ma came home when he was there. I got into so much trouble, it was awful. She still doesnt trust me. Once she tried locking me in the house, while she was at work. And i could NOT handle that, it made me crazy, i snuck out and made extra keys, in case i needed them. But she found them, and got so fucking pissed. But this isnt about family stuff, its about a guy. So, when she did that i couldnt be in the house, i just couldnt. I stayed over at my cousins house for a day, so she could calm down. My cousin had to go to work, so i was in the house by myself. The guy ( okay, i'm tired of him not having a name, lets call him... uh... Bob? ew, but it'll have to work) Bob, came over, this is where my life sorta goes out of control. That day. The night before when i was talking to him, he said he's bring condoms. CONDOMS. as in SEX. safe sex, but still sex. He said we didnt have to use them, but just in case. Heknew it'd be my first time, but he didnt care, the guy wanted sex, nothing else mattered. So, even tho i didnt want to, we were in the moment, really close to doing it, and i thought it'd be really bad if i said no, i mean, we were right there, he even had the condom on, he asked if it was okay, i said "i guess so..." Later, i told some of my friends, and i guess some i shouldnt have trusted, because soon, our entire grade knew, it was upsetting ):
One of my friends said i needed a pregnancy test, just to be safe. Thats what made me crazy. I was so scared, scared like you wouldnt believe. I could just imagine, a baby in me, no money for an abortion, if i could even go through that, my ma kicking me out of the house. A pregnant, homeless, teenager. I was so scared. I couldnt make myself get one. So i waited. And waited. And cried when i got my period, i was so relieved. "Bob" however, thought i was a fucking idiot to be worried about that. he didnt care. Later, he took me to a bathroom, we talked about condoms earlier, but neither of us had any, so i had no idea what he was trying to do. Well, it ended bad. And all the relief i had was gone, and just scared of getting pregnant. Its got to be the worst feeling ever. I waited for my period, i waited so long. My sister found out i wasnt a virgin anymore, and she slapped me across the face, gave me endless lectures of how he didnt care about me at all, if he did, he'd want to date me. But he was just using me. It was terrible, so terrible. I wanted to die. I wanted the lectures to be over, she took me to get a pregnancy test, it was negative. Thank God. But after that, i got more lectures. "How could you do that? With a boy you aren't even in love with? What if you were pregnant!? You'd kill such an INNOCENT soul for this boy? You arent even in a relationship with?"
i felt like shit. It was the worst, i just wanted everything to be over, i wanted to die so badly. But the "Bob" wanted sex, he wanted more. Now, i hated this friends with benefits shit, i only agreed to it, because he promised he wouldnt date anyone else while this was going on. He promised. I came home, so happy for the lectures to be over, so excited to get back to Bob, i knew it'd be better when i got back. Now, when i got back, i was talking to this guy, he told me he was dating someone, well... he was dating "bob"
Yup. The Bob who promised he wouldnt date anyone else. The bob who i got hours of awful, terrible, lecture for. That bob, he lied. It made me so upset. I was so angry with him, i yelled and yelled. He was just there, didnt apologize, didnt say anything. And i couldnt stand him. I thought of how intimate we were, and how it meant nothing to him.
I'm tired, i'll finish this up later :)
